August 2009

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My Big Fat Spiritual Spanking

August 25, 2009 in Inspiration, Writing by jensincero | 4 comments

One trip on an Indian bus and you'll learn something about yourself

 

Around this time last year I returned from a life-changing trip to India. In case you haven’t witnessed it yourself, India is heaving with humanity, full to the brim, sitting on top of you and sticking its filthy bare foot in your face while you fight for space on an overbooked train.  Your only options are to go with the flow and chat with your neighbor or grow a big fat stress-related tumor, and the thing that made perhaps the biggest impression on me was how nearly everyone I met went for option number one.  That and the fact that there are cows everywhere, even inside the train station.

 Indians will spoon you on a bus if you fall asleep next to them, roll down their windows to chat with you in a traffic jam, stare unblinkingly at your whiteness, help you if you’re lost, insist you get in their family photos at historical monuments, invite you in for tea, burp, fart and laugh in your face – it’s like the entire country is a giant kindergarten class.  It’s totally annoying.  And sweet.  And clearly knows something important that we’ve forgotten.

 I didn’t darken the doorway of an ashram or stick a dot on my forehead or partake in any of the other thousands of spiritual options the country is famous for offering – who needs them?  As far as I’m concerned you can learn pretty much everything you need to know about life by taking twelve hour bus ride through India during wedding season. 

 When I bought my ticket on the Super Deluxe Express Bus to Delhi, I was told I was paying a wise four hundred rupees extra for the luxury of a five hour nonstop ride as opposed to the ten hours and countless stops of the local.  I was so extremely exhausted from the three sleepless days I’d spent whooping it up at a camel festival up in the mountains that the thought of hunkering down on the Super Deluxe and sleeping all the way to Delhi sounded good to me.  But what I got instead was a seat next to Mr. Friendly, a middle-aged man who spoke three words of English and insisted on chatting me up, even though I was doing what I thought was a very convincing job of fake sleeping and a very real job of having no frikken idea what he was saying. 

 The bus left an hour late due to massive confusion and overbooking and took almost two hours to get out of town because it was peak wedding season. Weddings in India involve a ceremony followed by a parade through the streets complete with horses, marching band, explosives, a car with a loudspeaker blaring crackly music and important wedding announcements and a bunch of guys carrying table lamps on their heads.  Apparently some god had done some important thing thousands of years ago that made this particular week an ideal time to get married – I read there were 20,000 weddings in Delhi in one day.  My bus ended up getting trapped in wedding festivities pretty much every ten minutes which meant that everyone on the bus, every time we stopped, skipped off to join the party.  Doop de doo.

 When we finally did get out of town, we kept pulling over to let random people on and off (in the middle of nowhere), have some tea, a smoke, a chat, maybe light a fire in the brush by the side of the road and to strap giant burlap sacks full of something large and bulbous to the roof.  At some point this guy got on and stood at the front of the bus, right next to my seat, and began hollering at us in Hindi.  My bus mates responded by cheering, chanting and sitting in silence while I responded by seeing if I couldn’t find another seat farther away from his mouth.  I got up and joined the group of people sitting on rickety benches around the bus driver who was in busthis “room” behind a wall of glass.  The people huddled around him made room for me and suddenly I felt like I was watching an action movie on a screen the size of a giant bus windshield.  We were careening through the narrow dirt streets of tiny villages with crazy Indian music blaring over the speakers while people, goats and monkeys leapt out of the way.  The only time we slowed down was for the almighty cow, but I swear this guy drove our huge bus through spaces I’d be scared to ride a bike.  Then all of a sudden, in some tiny nowhere village, he pulls over yet again.  More chai perhaps?  Maybe he’s going to go visit a friend?  Has to pee?  Wants to take a walk for an hour while we all sit there?  The driver waves for me to follow and gets off, as does the entire bus.  It turns out that Mr. Yell In My Ear was some sort of holy man who was just warming up the crowd for a tour of the temples in this small, gorgeous village called Vrindavan. It is, I learned, the place where Krishna met his wife Rada and where they have over 5,500 temples in his honor. 

 So for the next two hours I found myself wandering through ramshackle temples, gaily tossing flowers onto shrines, holding hands and skipping in a circle around a statue of Krishna, solemnly listening to sermons, praying, clapping and all I could think was how fully freaked out a bus of New Yorkers on the express from NY to DC would be in a similar situation.  Meanwhile not one person on the bus was expecting this and not one person complained, even though when we finally got back on the bus it was well past the time we were supposed to be arriving in Delhi and we were still a good five hours away.  Instead they all thanked, and tipped, the holy man and spent the rest of the ride chatting away.  After that we stopped at a roadside “restaurant” for dinner, then another pee break, then I was waking up the family I was staying with in Delhi at 3am who, of course, acted like it was the middle of the afternoon and insisted I share a cup of tea. 

 Here are some things I am going to do from now on:

Talk to more strangers

Expect, and appreciate, the unexpected

Find the humor

Join the party

Share my space

Loosen my bone, Wilma

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Secrets to Self-Discipline

August 18, 2009 in Inspiration, Writing by jensincero | 2 comments

 

I used to smoke cigarettes.  A lot.  If I was out of cigarettes and the stores were closed, no problemo, I’d pick butts out of the ashtray or garbage and smoke them.  I’d smoke right when I woke up and right before going to bed.  Sometimes I smoked while I ate.  I knew it was a foul habit, one that could kill me, make my face look like an old shoe and cause me to stink like a bar rag, but I was so into it that, as with all abusive relationships, I chose to pretend nothing was wrong even though in the back of my head there was a little voice screaming, “Stop!  Please stop! We’re dying over here!”

 Then one day I was about to drive from my beloved New Mexico to Los Angeles and my love affair came to a screeching halt.  The night before I’d spent a particularly disgusting evening sitting around chain smoking with three other smoke-lovin friends.  It was kind of like how after a particularly disgusting evening of drinking you decide that you’ll never drink again.  Only unlike those losers, I was serious.  Oh yes I was.

 I got my car all packed up, put the top down and began my cross-desert road trip a smoke-free woman.  Smoke-free as soon as I finished the 6 cigarettes I still had left in my pack, that is.  “I’ll smoke one now, and another when I get to Gallup, then in Flagstaff I’ll stop for lunch and have one there…”  I suddenly realized that there I was, under a gorgeous desert sky, listening to my favorite music, top down, surrounded by warm, sweet desert air, flying, free, happily speeding, and all I could think about was when I was next going to voluntarily asphyxiate myself.  I realized I couldn’t enjoy one of my favorite things to do on this here planet because I was distracted by something that I knew I wanted to stop doing. I also realized that I was a big fat liar, that I was already pushing my quit date back since I would be arriving in town at a good friend’s party and would definitely want to smoke so maybe I shouldn’t quit until the next week when……

 I pulled the car over and threw out all six cigarettes and haven’t had a drag since.  That was over ten years ago and it was a hugely significant moment because I realized something huge that applies to everything in life – if there’s something you really want to do, the only way to get there is to stop negotiating.  Just do it NOW, not after you lose five pounds or have more money or more time or whatever you “need” to do before getting on it.  Negotiating and waffling are the mortal enemies of self-discipline.  I decided at that moment that I was not a smoker.  It became a non-negotiable fact.  I did not smoke so I wasn’t going to spend any time thinking “perhaps maybe just one cigarette” anymore than I was going to spend any time thinking that maybe I would snort horse tranquilizers.  I’m not a horse tranquilizer snorter, nor a smoker.  Next topic please. 

 This mentality works with everything – if you want to lose weight, decide that you’re a person who doesn’t eat sugar.  Ever.  Or who only has one cookie at a party instead of ten. Or who gets up at 6:30 and exercises.  Or if you’re a writer, decide that you’re a person who writes every day at noon for a half an hour.  Or who writes two pages a day.  If you begin negotiations, you open the space for failure.  If you make it a fact, you just do it, no questions asked, and move on to something else.  It’s a doozie, it really works, I promise.

 Here are my top 5 tips for cracking the whip and disciplining yourself:

 Stop Negotiating. 

More on this all-important topic can be found in Twyla Tharp’s awesome book, The Creative Habit.  She is a machine of self-discipline and this book is one of the best spankings I’ve ever gotten. 

 

Set Realistic Goals. 

Don’t decide that you are a person who runs 20 miles a day when you still consider walking to the pizza parlor around the corner a day’s worth of exercise.  Start with running one mile a day and add more as you get stronger.  Discipline is a muscle, you have to build it at your own pace.  If you bite off more than you can chew at the start, chances are excellent you’ll get discouraged and give up altogether.  Set attainable goals and slowly build from there. 

 Remember Your Why. 

When that sexy piece of chocolate cake is giving you the eye, remember how much better it will feel to be five pounds lighter than it will during that two minute, chocolatey roll in the hay.  If you’re writing and are tempted to get up and do the dishes, make a phone call, do ANTYHING but write, remember how awesome it’s going to feel having a real live book with your name on it that is going to help the world.  Make your “why” your mantra, keep bringing it back to the front of your mind when temptation flashes her sexy smile at you and you will be a mighty, unstoppable force.  It will keep your excitement level up too which will keep you motivated and help you get the job done.

 Note Your Accomplishments. 

Keep track of how well you’re doing and give yourself a hearty bravo on a regular basis.  Self-discipline is all in your mind, so making your mind a happy, focused place is key.  The more you notice how well you’re doing, the more you’ll be inspired to keep the ball rolling. 

 Make a Bet With Someone Mean. 

If you’re someone who really thrives on accountability, this can be a great way to keep yourself in line.  Make a bet with someone who will hold you to it, someone who won’t coddle you or “understand that you tried your best,” who will not take excuses and who will show up at your doorstep if you stop answering their calls.  And make sure you bet something that’s painful enough to lose but not too unrealistic.  For example, you could bet someone $100 that you’ll have the first chapter of your book written by a certain date.  Make it a payable amount that you really don’t want to pay.

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Merrily Skipping into the Unknown

August 15, 2009 in Inspiration, Writing by jensincero | No comments

It's time to take the next step

There’s an amazing quote that says:  “Everything you want out of life lies on the other side of your comfort zone.”  Another amazing quote reads:  “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  Then there’s the all too true: “Ass, grass or cash, nobody rides for free.”  The first is rumored to be none other than Jennifer Aniston.  The second was the glorious Anais Nin.  The third I read off a beer cozy at a truck stop.  I bring them up to illustrate that no matter who you are, where you are in your life or what kind of hog you ride, in order to grow you must experience a certain amount of “discomfort.”  And before we get too excited about the pity party we now get to throw for ourselves, I want to stop and look at the word “comfort.”

According to dictionary.com, “Comfort = a state of ease and satisfaction of bodily wants, with freedom from pain and anxiety.”

Yet how does wasting away in our own comfort zones, our own personal versions of utter mediocrity, fit this definition?  How is charging less than we’re worth or not asking someone out or not growing our businesses comfortable?  I believe that words are incredibly powerful, and I think it’s essential we redefine this if we’re ever going to crawl our way out of it.  When we’re talking about inertia and playing small, we’re not talking about our comfort zone.  We’re talking about our familiarity zone.

Comfort is big fluffy pillows, high thread counts and a head massage.  There’s nothing comfortable about lying there so long you get bedsores, but we’ll do it because it beats heading off into the unknown.  Or so we think.

The key to growth is acknowledging your fear of the unknown and jumping in anyway.

Because our thoughts and perceptions define our realities, you need to redefine the way you perceive the unknown.  Start thinking of it as exciting, exhilarating, something to throw yourself into and conquer.  We’ve all done it at some point in our lives – how much better and more alive does that feel than worrying away on the couch eating a plate of mashed potatoes?

Will they run from you if you start charging twice what you do now?  Who knows.  Will you lose everything you’ve got if you open your own restaurant?  Who knows.  Will unleashing your secret desire to teach tap dancing ruin your reputation as a professional wrestler?  Who knows.  And who cares?  Unless your unknown puts you at risk of death, prison or bodily harm, you have nothing to lose except living a dull, uninspired life.

At this particular time in history, the familiar is crumbling around us – we are literally being forced to grow and rebuild ourselves.  We have never been in such times of uncertainty and change, and we can either crawl around on the floor, desperately searching for crumbs of what used to be or throw ourselves into what’s next like giddy little idiots.  Life is an attitude and we are being given the ultimate opportunity to rise to the occasion.  Pick the one thing that you’ve really been putting off, that seems to big or too scary or too whatever and do it this week.  You might be very pleasantly surprised.

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Self Perception is a Zoo

August 11, 2009 in Inspiration, Writing by jensincero | No comments

 A few days ago I heard a friend of mine give a talk.  She’s the kind of speaker who is so powerful, so bright and so naturally captivating that she could order a sandwich and I’d get all teary-eyed:  “That’s right! No onions! Sing halleluiah!”  So imagine my surprise when she came off stage, plunked herself down next to me and demanded to know how boring her talk was.  I also have drop dead gorgeous friends who think they’re ugly, clients who one moment think they’re god’s gift to the written word and the next need to be talked in off the ledge of self-proclaimed ineptitude and a neighbor who can’t decide if she’s a financial powerhouse or about to cause her family to start living underneath a bridge.

 Self perception is a zoo. 

 We exist between glimpses of our own, infinite power and the fear that we are incapable fatheads.  We torture ourselves incessantly, and for what purpose?  If we can glimpse the glory (and I know you can), why do we waste our precious time on the other junk?  Wouldn’t life be so much more fun, productive and sexy if we fully embraced the fact that we’re capable of doing anything we set our minds to?  If we saw our failures merely as learning opportunities, rather than proof that we are giant sucking things, think how mighty we’d be?

 This is our journey.  And ironically we travel in a circle.  When we first come screaming onto this planet we are whole, in the moment, part of the collective consciousness.  We are oblivious to the concept that we are separate from that around us or that there is a future and a past.  As we grow, we begin to understand our world through our senses and experiences.  And we begin to doubt ourselves through what we’re taught via language – this is why it’s so vitally important that you choose your words and thoughts wisely.  Until someone tells you, you don’t know that you can’t make lots of money or shouldn’t trust strangers or are too fat to be loved.  Words and thoughts create the beliefs that got you where you are today, so if you’d like to be somewhere else, words and thoughts are what will bring about change. 

 I was out at a club one time with a friend and we saw this girl who completely mesmerized us.  She was huge, had a big fat butt, fleshy arms and a loud and proud gut all crammed into this revealing little hoochie mama outfit.  She was having the time of her life and just thought she was the sexiest thing and I will tell you, so did everyone else in that bar.  We couldn’t take our eyes off her (and neither could her sad sack, skinny, gorgeous friend).  That is the kind of person you want to take your cues from, not our twisted media, your fearful parents or your inner Oh Please. 

 When other people achieve the impossible it empowers us to do the same, so go out and find a role model who speaks to you.  Find someone who was too blind, broke, crippled, female, black or whatever by society’s standards and who succeeded anyway, or someone who just made it happen in a way you admire and carry their picture in your wallet, write their name above your computer or name your dog after them.  Perhaps someday I’ll get Eleanor Roosevelt’s face tattooed on my forehead. 

 Decide that you are who you aspire to be.  Rather than waste time worrying that you don’t have what it takes, get yourself educated and put yourself out there.  People will believe what you tell them, they want to believe what you tell them – it’s way easier than making you up themselves!  Present yourself as fabulous, capable, smart and sexy and people will go along for the ride.  Keep in mind that there’s a fine line between procrastination and perfectionism.  Don’t spend your life waiting until things are perfect, get out there, fake it until you make it, and watch it come true.  And knock off self- deprecating humor.  Yes, it can get a laugh, but over time you start to believe it.  Words and thoughts.  Do not underestimate their power.

 Have you ever noticed that when your amazing friends go out and do something amazing, you’re happy for them but never very surprised – of course they did something amazing, they’re my amazing friends.  But to get yourself to see how amazing you are is like pushing a giant marshmallow up a hill.  Yes, there we go.  Ooop!  Almost made it, sagging, we are sagging, gotta go push it up over there….we run around, taking one step forward and two steps back when it’s so unnecessary.  Try seeing yourself instead through your amazing friends’ eyes.  They get it.  They believe in you leaps and bounds beyond what you believe in yourself because they are not riding your back all the time.  Try and look at yourself from the outside, where all your negative thoughts and doubts can’t breathe and behold what shines through.

 Our entire existence on this planet is determined by how we choose to perceive things.  So why, when it comes to perceiving ourselves, would we choose to see anything other than a super huge rockstar of a creature?

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How to Find Your Writing Voice

August 6, 2009 in Writing by jensincero | 3 comments

opera-singer

Finding your voice as a writer is like finding your sound as a musician, finding your brand as a business owner or finding big golden nipple plates as an opera singer.  It’s what sets you apart and makes a person stand on their chair, fist in the air and shout, yes, I hear you loud and clear and I likes what yer saying!  It will pull your audience to you like a magnet, get them to trust you as an authority and make them clamor to hear whatever you have to say next.

In other words, it’s rill important.

Here are 5 ways to tap into the you that is you so the they that is they can find you and love you:

1.) Write.  A Lot.  All The Time. Have you ever had the great misfortune of listening to yourself leave a message on someone’s voicemail?  Or watched yourself trying to act natural on a home video?  It can be a full-on cringefest, but it’s because most of us aren’t used to it.  The more you get used to hearing and seeing yourself, the more relaxed and natural you become.  The same goes for writing.  Getting comfy with exposing yourself for all to see via the written word can be icky at first and takes practice.  Keep a journal or start a blog and write every single chance you get.  The more you do it, the more your true self will claw its way through the awkwardness.

2.) Don’t Fake It. I have a friend who’s like a puppy dog.  He’s constantly trying to please everyone around him and is not only exhausted most of the time, but is often unappreciated because he doesn’t know what everyone really wants.  If he would just relax, be his fabulous self and trust that he’s lovable just the way he is, he, and those who are trying to shake him off their legs, would be so much happier.  When you write, don’t worry about what you think people want to hear or use big words or fancy sentences because you’re afraid you’ll sound like a buttinsky because – you will sound like a buttinsky.  Just speak your truth and be yourself.  Let your readers feel your pain, your glory, your smarts, your uncertainty…you know when someone is feeding you a load of ca ca, and so will your readers.  The more honest you are, the more you will resonate with them.

3.) Read Out Loud. Our first exposure to language was hearing it, so when it comes to writing, sometimes our ears, not our eyes, give us the best reality check.  There’s a certain natural flow that words well spoken and written have, and the best way to make sure you’re in that flow is to hear it.  If you get stuck, read your words out loud.  Does it sound natural?  Does it sound like you?  Sometimes it’s easier to pick out the snags when you hear them roll by rather than when you read them.

4.) Notice Other Writers. Growing up I used to watch TV with my dad.  He’s a doctor and was all into those medical dramas where they’re always trying to figure out what’s wrong with various patients.  He’d sit there screaming his diagnosis at the TV like a frat boy in a sports bar.  In our house, TV wasn’t entertainment, it was medical school.  Same goes for you and writing.  Find writers who resonate with you and pay attention to the specific words they choose to use, how they put a sentence together, how they explain things, and how their writing flows.  It can be really fun, like solving a puzzle, figuring out exactly what it is about the way someone writes that appeals to you.  Then, you know, steal it and put your own special spin on it.

5.) Write To One Person. We all act differently with the different people in our lives.  We’re still ourselves, but we show different parts of ourselves to our mothers, our friends, our lovers, our parole officers, etc.  Same goes for your writing voice.  In order to keep your voice consistent throughout your book, pick one person in your life who’s in your target market and write to them.  This will not only help you get clarity on how to write, but it will also make your words sound like they’re speaking to one, not several, people which is a key element of drawing people in.  Each person in the audience wants to feel like they’re special, like you’re speaking just to them, and this is a great way to get your writing to do that.

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Writing = Ass + Chair

August 4, 2009 in Writing by jensincero | 1 comment

It's Not As Complicated

I’ve been sitting here for hours trying to write, which today has meant checking my email, my Facebook page, filing my nails, getting up to stand by the heater, watering my plants, reading the paper, putting away my dishes, calling Mom, etc.  It’s now five o’clock, and although my house is spotless and my eyebrows properly plucked, I still have nothing.  I really wanted to leave the house today, too.

The irony is that I set out this afternoon to write a thoughtful and inspiring piece on what it takes to get yourself to write.  As with just about every other thing filed under “ironic,” this does not amuse me.  At all.  I will, however, use this irritating reality to deepen my piece and speak to you, straight from the trenches, on what I consider to be The Three Hardest-to-Learn No-Brainers About Writing.

Ahem:

1.) You Must Show Up For Work. I meet so many people who look wistfully at me when I tell them I’m a writer (and you will too when your book comes out).  “I’ve always wanted to write,” they’ll say.  Then they’ll stand there and stare at you, waiting for you to hand over the secret key.  It’s sort of like when someone watches you unwrapping a hot pastrami sandwich with melted provolone cheese and hot peppers from Bay Cities deli in Santa Monica.  “I’ve always wanted to try their pastrami sandwich,” they’ll say.  Mmm hmm, I’ll bet you have.  Here are the secret keys, people.  Trying a Bay Cities hot pastrami sandwich with melted provolone cheese and hot peppers = going to Bay Cities + buying your own damn sandwich.  Just as writing = ass + chair.  We often wish there was some big mystery keeping us from doing the things we want so we have an excuse to be lazy or small or wait for someone else to do it or whatever our deal is, when in reality, all it takes is just showing up and doing it.

2.) Sucking Is Part of the Process. Once you have shown up for work, actually doing the work is the second hurdle.  But here’s the thing: even if you spend all day looking at a blank page or lying on the floor with your arm over your eyes sobbing tears of artistic humiliation or bending a paper clip into seventy two different shapes, you have still shown up for work and it still counts.  Because on some other day, you’re going to write such brilliant and incredible things you’re going to have to go out and make a whole slew of new friends just so you have more people to tell all about it.  Down time counts.  With no down there is no up.  A full day of sucking is a full day of writing.  It’s all part of the process.  You are unauthorized to beat yourself up for it.

3.) There’s a Fine Line Between Perfection and Procrastination. I have a friend who talked incessantly about being a musician.  It was his one big huge dream to be in a band, wank away on stage, wear sunglasses in dark bars, etc.  He had a full on studio in his basement complete with an 8 million digital track recording system, vintage amps, keyboards, effects up the wazoo, seven guitars, and a laundry hamper full of kazoos and maracas.  He took years collecting equipment and setting it all up and in all that time, he never wrote a single song.  Meanwhile, my other friend who had nothing but a guitar that got stepped on by a horse, recorded an entire albums- worth of songs on his answering machine.  Do not wait until you have the perfect desk with the perfect light and the perfect chair and the perfect book idea at the perfect time because you will wake up perfectly devastated in your old age with the realization that you never sat down and wrote your book.

And now that I am done writing, I am going to leave the house.

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