August 2010

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I recently had a friend, a brilliant writer, call me in a panic because she suddenly became frozen with fear over the subject matter of her book and could no longer bring herself to write it.

Her book is, among many other splendid things, very personal, dark, and twisted, and my friend was concerned that it was too much. That it was crossing the line.

That she was exposing herself as a giant pervert freak weirdo.

This brings up a concept that’s SO important to have a firm grasp on if you’re going to get anywhere near reaching your full potential in this life as a writer, an entrepreneur, an artist and actually, as a fully realized and evolved human being in general:

One of the greatest, most powerful ways you can spend your time is actively practicing not giving a flying crap what anybody else thinks about you.

Other people’s opinions motivate every decision we make in our teens and our twenties, and as we age, if we’re moving in the right direction, our obsession with how we look to others slowly trickles away, but most people spend their lifetimes under its pointless grasp.

Meanwhile, the only questions you ever need to really consider are:

Is this something I want to be, do or have?
Is this going to take me in direction of my goal or purpose?
Is it going to violate the rights of others?

Yes, it is part of our survival instinct to care – get booted from the tribe and you will freeze or starve to death or be eaten by bears. But because we have big brains and the ability to manifest anything we set our minds to, there is another version that’s equally as plausible: get booted from the tribe and be forced to start one of your own, and even though you suffer through struggles and failures and fears, you prove yourself and create something that’s unique and exciting and more in line with who you really are and suddenly there’s a coin with your face on it or a rest stop named after you or something equally as awesome.

We all long for the comfort and safety of fitting in, and if that’s where you’re truly happy and fully realized, then bravo, but nobody who ever accomplished anything big or new or worth raising a fist in the air and screaming “hell yeah!” about did it from the comfort zone.

They risked ridicule and failure and sometimes even death. Take the Wright Brothers for example. Can you imagine how that whole thing went down?

Beula: Did you hear about poor Susan?
Agnes: Susan Wright?
Hattie: Such a disgrace! Poor thing.
Agnes: What happened?
Beula: Well, her two boys…
Hattie: As if Susan hasn’t suffered enough. Tiny little thing birthing three boys as big as buffaloes, then croup, shingles and now this…
Beula: Seems her two sons…oh dear.
Agnes: Her two sons what?!
Hattie: I heard she has bunions too…
Agnes: Spit it out already Beula!
Beaula: Well, this is going to sound as crazy as it is but they….
Hattie: And now her sons think they can fly. Such a shame.
Beula: …they think they can fly.
Agnes: Think they can fly?
Beula: Yes, her sons think they can fly. They talk of nothing else.
Hattie: She just had the house painted too. They’ll probably have to move out of town now….

Once you step away from the herd and let yourself be seen, you put yourself in front of the opinion firing squad, which is why so many people run screaming from the lives they’d so love to live.

But here’s the thing that’s so critical to remember: It’s not about you anyway. What other people think about you has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

I’ve gotten emails from people telling me everything from I can’t write to save my life to I’m an insensitive jerk to, and I quote, “your last name is interesting. Some people may see ‘sincere’ but all I see is the ‘sin’ part. Your life will be nothing but pain and heartache if you keep living it this way”.

I’ve also had people write in about the very same book gushing that I changed their life, that I’m their favorite writer, that they would like to get to know me in the biblical sense, etc.

So it couldn’t possibly be about the book because the book stays the same. It’s the reactions that differ.

The trick is not only not buying into the criticisms, but not buying into the hype either because neither of them are the truth. Once you do, you hand your power over to other people’s fears and insecurities and needs and stories and spend your life desperately chasing down something that isn’t even real.

All that matters is what’s true for you, and if you can tap into that and follow it without straying, you will be a mighty superhero. Everything else is just other people’s perception of reality, and that is none of your business.

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A hundred thousand years ago I lived in Barcelona, Spain, with a bunch of friends from college. We lived in this big old building that, with its high ceilings, fabulous molding and gigantic French doors, was clearly all the rage in its day, but had since crumbled to a not so savory state by the time we got our hands on it.

Me, Jason, friends and my platinum hairdo in the Plaza Reial, Barcelona, 1989

I lived in a sparse room with a balcony that was connected to the room next to it by a pair of grandiose sliding doors that my neighbor and dear pal, Jason, would fling open every morning in his silk kimono. He’d glide over to my bed with two mimosas on a mirrored dining tray, hand me one, take one for himself and and beseech me, “what shall we celebrate today?!”

I am reminded of him today not only because I just came off a week of hanging out with the old college crew, but because after ten years of nonstop sunny days, bike rides on the boardwalk and In N Out burgers, I’ve decided to take the plunge and move out of Los Angeles!

My motto upon arrival was “I just want to see what I can get away with,” and I do believe I have seen aplenty: 2 books, live performances up the wazoo, TV writing gigs, radio and TV appearances, an awesome coaching practice, insider access to the sex industry, a screenplay, countless speaking gigs, a herd of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, blond hair, a house by the beach and a convertible.

I will leave the boob job to someone else.

At the moment I’m planning on returning to my beloved New Mexico, but I’m staying open – Montana? Italy? The Moon? As long as there’s water, oxygen and internet access, I really could run my business from the moon. Hence, it is under serious consideration.

What I’m most excited about at the moment, however, are the possibilities that will present themselves now that I’ve made this decision. My perception of my everyday life in L.A. will be so radically different now that I know I only have 7 more months left (April 1st is my official blast-off date).

And this is what I want to write about: What if you lived your life like you knew you were going to leave it soon? What would you take advantage of? What would you appreciate more? Who would you make an effort to hang out with more? What things would you finally do that you’ve been putting off doing?

In honor of the new urgency in my life, I’m going to make a list of all the people, places and things I need to do, set up a meeting with, explore, write about, perform, make out with, eat, swim in or get my favorite shirt back from.

So here’s an exercise that I think you should do because not only will it fill you with gratitude for what you’ve already got, but it will make your life a lot fuller and move you at lightening speed towards living that life that you can brag about at cocktail parties:

1. Make a list of people you want to hang out with but never do and make a date with each of them.
2. If you want new, excellent people in your life, write down the specific traits you’d like them to have, put yourself in places where that kind of person can be found or, if you know someone who might know this type of person, ask them for an introduction, and make a date with them
3. If there’s anyone, be it a celebrity, a business contact, a possible client, that you know would move your business forward, figure out how to contact them (we really are only about 3 degrees of separation from everyone) and do it.
4. If single, inform the next hot person you meet that you are available for a date.
5. If taken, inform your significant other that you’d like to take them out on a date.
6. Make a list of 10 places that you’ve been meaning to check out, get out your calendar, and write down the dates and times that you will check them out.
7. Make a point to notice something new about your block/house/neighborhood/city every single day.
8. Make a list of your top five favorite things about where you live and celebrate them – for example, if you love the public transportation, take the bus somewhere and relish it, if you love the weather, get out in it, if you love that you have the best neighbors in the world, bring them a cherry pie.
9. List off the things that are available to you where you live that aren’t necessarily available in other places and take advantage of them. For example, because I imagine I’ll be moving to the boonies or out of the country, before I leave L.A. I will perform as much as I can, network my butt off, set up as many meetings as I can, go to as many seminars as I can, go to as many concerts as I can, stalk as many celebrities as I can, etc.
10. Wake up every morning and ask yourself “what shall I celebrate today?”

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I turned 45 on Saturday. Hi, I’m Jen Sincero, and I’m 45. Last year I was 44 and this year I’m 45. Next year, I’ll be 46 because right now I am 45.

Nope, still not sinking in.

HOW THE HELL DID I GET TO 45 ALREADY!

Birthday. Brunch. Buddy.


Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s an awesome age. You’re still energetic and sexy, but now you have all this incredible experience, confidence and know-how. Plus you’re too old to care a whole lot about what other people think of you when you’re out there in the street, taking the trash out in your robe.

I’m just flabbergasted by how quickly it goes. I mean, my niece has breasts. Breasts! Where did those come from? How did she go from stuffing peas up her nose to breasts in a split second?

The thing about time is that you can’t slow it down, but you kind of can. Here are some tried and true tricks to make the passing of time – ye olde cold bucket of water in the face – a tad less startling.

Ahem:

Every time I go on a trip, I stop myself when I’m first starting out and think okay, let me remember this moment. This adventure has just started and I’m all excited and I want to note this beginning so I can enter into it slowly and consciously. Then I proceed to fly into it all crazy and woo hoo BUT I eventually do snap to and stop myself. And I marvel at things like holy crap, I’m in India, on an overcrowded bus, being sat on by a family of five – this is awesome!

The trick is to do this in your everyday life with everyday occurrences. Holy crap, I’m sitting on my couch in my robe, in southern California, it’s warm out, I’m typing, I’m alive and this moment will never happen again – this is awesome! Be conscious of where you are right now – how it feels, smells, tastes, looks, everything. If you notice your life moment by moment and utilize all your senses, instead of racing by lost in your head, it will last much much longer.

Another great trick is to stop screwing around. Stop wasting time! Stop doing stupid crap that you really don’t care about and use your time wisely! Make a schedule. Give yourself deadlines. This doesn’t mean you have to be productive 24/7, but it does mean that instead of screwing around on Facebook or worrying or getting caught up in minutia you should be out walking on the beach with a friend or learning something fascinating or doing something that adds meaning to your life rather than tossing your time down the drain.

It’s also an excellent idea to bring new stuff into your world everyday. Go to a different supermarket. Take a different route home. Notice something new about your neighborhood. Take a class on something new. Move to a new town. Make a new friend. And my favorite, do something that scares the hell out of you everyday. By constantly shoving the unknown into your face, you get out of your rut, jolted out of your stupor, awakened to the present and hence, you get slowed down.

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